


Palimpsest

by becdot



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: Depression, Edward is not a good boyfriend, Eventual self-actualization, Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-11
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-05-13 03:06:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5692273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/becdot/pseuds/becdot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p></p><blockquote>
  <p><br/>palimpsest |ˈpalimpˌsest|<br/>noun<br/>a manuscript or piece of writing material on which the original writing has been effaced to make room for later writing but of which traces remain.<br/></p>
</blockquote> <p>When Edward leaves, he takes most of Bella with him.  Gradually, through Jacob's friendship, Leah's acerbic form of affection, and Charlie's awkward shoulder pats, Bella not only begins to heal, but also to question everything she thought she knew about herself.  </p><p>After all, choices only matter if you make them yourself, with open eyes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

I could hear the arguing from inside the house.Leah was loud when she was upset, her mother's voice a barely-heard counterpoint so that it sounded like Leah was ranting to an empty house.Trapped between the mud room door and the entrance of the house, I felt like a bag of trash no one wanted to haul to the curb. 

I should have paid more attention to the weather instead of letting myself be lulled by the space heater Jake had set up in the garage and the easy cadence of his voice.There was a storm on the way and Charlie had forbidden me from driving home, suggesting that I spend the night with the Clearwater's.In Charlie's head, the fact that Leah was a girl roughly my own age meant that we were practically best friends, never mind that our only interactions had consisted of her glaring at me.At least Jake promised that it wasn't personal, since she seemed to hate everyone equally.

Something slammed, making me jolt and my breath quicken.Even after all of these days with Edward gone, my body still hadn't forgotten how to be prey, hunching over and gripping my arms to my chest to keep my scent confined.The urge to apologize hit me like nausea.Of course the Clearwater's didn't want me; no one did. 

When I heard Leah snap something that sounded like my name, I turned and fled.Outside, fat flakes of snow were already starting to come down, but at least I couldn't hear the fighting.I used my backpack like a cushion and sat on the front steps, hugging myself for warmth.Edward always seemed the most human when he was angry, voice alive with passion and his self-control in shambles.He'd blow past speed limits on the highway, leave dents in the steering wheel, kiss me until my lips were numb.Although those moments terrified me, they were also the moments when I knew I was loved. 

There wasn't much of a view from the front steps: the blue-green pines in the fading light, the ugly mix of dirt and snow on the unpaved drive, the Clearwater's beaten-up car.The cold had gripped me around the edges and was starting to make its way inside.If I stayed out here long enough, maybe it would blanch the color from my cheeks, slow my messy human processes, reach deep inside me and fix whatever has driven Edward away.

The front door slammed."What are you doing out here?" Leah asked.From the look she was giving me, she would have been happier to see a flaming sack of dog crap on her driveway.I tripped to my feet and stammered out an apology, making her roll her eyes."My mom set up the cot in my room.If you touch anything you're dead.Dinner's in fifteen."The screen door slammed behind her.

I swallowed past the lump in my throat, feeling leaden with failure.It was as though all of my ugliness had risen to the surface like pond scum, enough to disgust even someone I barely knew. 

 

Dinner was quiet and filled with foreign customs that I didn't know how to interpret.Seth maintained a white-noise chatter that only Sue seemed to follow, while Leah projected annoyance right down to her clattering utensils.Harry kept going to the kitchen via the living room where the game was playing, returning five minutes later with the salt instead of the pepper and wearing a chagrined look.My eyes didn't stray from the safety of my plate as I ferried food back and forth until the plate was clean.I kept eating even after I was already full, unable to bear the though of disappointing Sue, too. 

After dinner I lay on the sagging army cot in Leah's room and stared at the ceiling.Since Edward had left, everything felt dim and dreamlike, kindling the fear that I was actually asleep and my body just hadn't caught up yet.

Leah sat on her bed, typing on a laptop in sharp bursts of clacking keys.Sleep pants and a camisole would have made most girls look softer and more approachable.Leah still looked like she could slit me open throat to belly and dump out my entrails in the amount of time it took for a webpage to load. 

"I don't go in for any of that girly shit, okay?" Leah said, out of nowhere.

"Okay," I said slowly.Did I look like someone who wanted to paint nails and gossip about boys?I could imagine the conversation now. _The only person I've ever loved brought me out to the woods and told me he didn't care about me, and now I'm questioning whether he even existed.Want to braid my hair?_ "Me neither."

With an effort, I rolled my head across the pillow to take in the room.It was simple without being plain, uncluttered by any of the stupid kid stuff that took up my bedroom in Phoenix.There was a woven tapestry on the wall behind the bed, with bold stripes of color and a bear or a wolf mid-gait across the center, and a large bookcase bulging with books and rubber-banded portfolios against the other wall.Across from the bed was a small desk with pencils and a few loose sketches on top, and I could make out two charcoal drawings and a watercolor tacked up near the window.

"Did you draw those?" I asked. 

"Yeah, so?"Her spine had achieved military stiffness.

"They're great," I said, taken aback by her sudden hostility.And they were; I knew nothing about art, but even I could appreciate the bold charcoal outline of a girl's face, and the muted palette of what looked like the Clearwater's rusted Volkswagon. 

If anything, the compliment seemed to make her more suspicious, eyes narrowing as though prepared for some scathing comment."So what do you do?" she demanded, when none was forthcoming.From someone else, it might have sounded like an expression of interest; from her, it was like a trumpet blast that signaled the start of a battle.

Somehow, I suspected that telling her I spent most of my time feeling like my chest had been gouged out wouldn't go over well.I struggled to remember how normal people spent their time."I go to school," I tried.

She gave me an unimpressed look over the edge of her laptop."Yeah, because you're _legally required_ to go."

Reheating frozen pizza for me and Charlie didn't sound like much of a hobby.Neither did writing to a disabled email address, or walking through the woods around the Cullens' house in search of proof that they had really existed.My mom loved teaching and working with kids; Charlie had his work at the station and all of the hopeless sports teams he followed.Leah drew, Jake had his cars, and even Edward played the piano and read textbooks in his spare time.I tried to think of something that I cared about besides Edward."Jake and I are rebuilding a couple of motorcycles," I said, when I my mind came up blank.

She made a skeptical sound, eyes still trained on the screen."So what have you learned?"

I tried to remember something – anything – that Jake had said."They have an engine, and you have to... drain things before you take them apart."My face was flaming.For all I had promised Jake that we would work on the bikes together, my job had mostly consisted of choosing the soundtrack and handing him tools.

She made a small contemptuous sound, and went back to typing."Doesn't sound like much of a hobby."

After the lights were out, I lay on the cot, throat swollen with misery. _Rare human discovered, found to be lacking any hobbies; lab report forthcoming._ I used to think that Edward was the only hobby I needed, and that he liked being the most important thing in my life.But then, I had been wrong about his feelings before.

 

The next morning there was an icy sheet of new snow on the ground and Sue had made pancakes."Better eat quickly if you want some," she said, as I tripped through the door into the kitchen. 

On cue, Jake reached behind him to grab a pancake and stuff it in his mouth.He was craning to try and watch the game in the living room, oblivious to Seth's excited chatter beside him.He didn't even seem to notice me until I sat down and slid the pancakes away from him."About time," he said and rubbed his hands together."Ready to get greasy?"

I felt a twinge of guilt at the fact that I had never even gotten close enough to the bikes to get greasy."To do that, I'd have to touch your precious tools," I told him.

Leah's snort was audible from the living room."It really is kind of disturbing how much you love those things," she called. 

"But they're Denalis!" Seth said, sounding affronted, at the same time that Jacob said, "Bella almost emptied all the spanner heads into the _engine_."

"Was that before or after you spent five minutes trying to remove the screws in the wrong direction?" I asked sweetly.

Jacob glared at me over Seth's giggles."Just because they were in wrong," he muttered.

I froze, fork halfway to my mouth.How could I sit here and eat pancakes and laugh?Happiness was a betrayal of everything I felt for Edward.

"Hey," Jake said, frowning.

I looked down at my pancakes, now shredded into confetti.Under the table's scrutiny, I felt like a caged animal. _Girl with hole in chest performs breakfast feat._ I mumbled an excuse and ran to the bathroom, where I bent over the toilet for long minutes, waiting for my nausea to reach a tipping point that never arrived.The porcelain was chilly and smooth, the way Edward's shoulder had felt when I pressed my hot forehead against it.At least I knew where I stood with the toilet.At least it would stay here, cool and immovable, for as long as I needed it to.


	2. Interlude I

_Dear Alice,_

_I spent the night at the Clearwater's last night because it was snowing and Charlie is over-protective.I think he wants to replace Edward with Jake, and you with Leah.Leah's the least friendly person I've ever met, though, so I don't think you have anything to worry about.Seriously, she makes Rosalie look like my biggest fan.I said something about her drawing (she's actually a really good artist) which most people would take as a compliment, and she took as a personal attack.Apparently I'm worthless because I don't have any hobbies.Does everyone have hobbies except me?Is that why Edward left?_

_Remember the first time I came over to your house and everyone was cooking?I remember feeling overwhelmed by how beautiful everything was; not just all of you, but also how clean and new and modern the kitchen looked (I didn't know yet that you had literally never used it before).Charlie's kitchen is like an installation from the eighties.Everything's stained and held together with electrical tape, and to dry things we use a bath towel that's been ripped in half because he doesn't even have kitchen towels._

_The thing is, the Clearwater's are Charlie-people.They're too warm and loud and messy and human.Maybe that's who I used to be, but I'm not that girl anymore.Love changes people; it changed me._

_Tell Edward that I love him.Tell him that I'm willing to do what it takes._

_Bella_


	3. Chapter Two

"Earth to Bella."I blinked as Jacob's hand waved in front of my face, before it moved to pluck a wrench out of my fingers.

"Sorry," I said, and tried to smile.I kept hearing the unimpressed sound of Leah's voice in my head, my own answering stammers.I'd mentioned the bikes because they were the first things that came to mind, but sitting here now and watching Jake's capable hands, I was starting to doubt myself.Next to my mom, I was the least mechanically-inclined person I knew.I still got nervous changing lightbulbs after the time I screwed one in so tightly it shattered and I had to get my palm stitched.If I tried to tell anyone I knew that I wanted to do a little recreational automotive repair, they'd probably die of laughter. 

"You okay?" he asked."You seemed a little off earlier."

I shrugged."You know," I said.And Jake did.Sometimes it seemed like he was the only person who didn't expect me to be someone else.Charlie, my friends at school, even my mom all wanted me to go back to being my old self, that naive girl I'd already started to hate.Jake had been there for me when I felt emptied of words, when a raised voice brought me to tears, when I'd lose whole afternoons staring out the garage window.With him, I didn't have to pretend.

"Looks like you survived spending a night with Lee-Lee."

I winced."I'm pretty sure she'd actually kill you if she heard you say that."I didn't have to be looking at him to hear Jake's amused huff and know he was smiling."It was fine.I mean, she hates me, but it's like she's resigned to it now."I watched his hands move confidently over the bike, loosening nuts with the tool until he could work them free with his fingers."Jake, do you think I'm boring?"

He looked up with a frown."Who told you that?"His face darkened with anger, igniting a kick of anxiety in my chest even though I knew I wasn't the target.

"No one," I said."We were just talking about hobbies last night and Leah was horrified that I didn't have any."

He snorted."Who's she to talk?It's not like hating everyone is a hobby, either."

I opened my mouth to say something about her drawing, but then remembered the defensive set of her shoulders when I'd brought them up last night.It seemed like an insignificant secret to keep and it wasn't as though I owed her anything, but still. 

"Don't listen to her, she's just mad about Sam and Emily."He waggled his eyebrows at my confused look."It was major res gossip.Leah and Sam dated all through high school, and then last year he breaks up with her out of nowhere and starts going after her cousin.They just got engaged a few months ago, too."

I thought of Leah's hostility and felt a unbidden swell of sympathy.I imagined watching Jessica climb out of Edward's car every morning or seeing their knees brush under the chemistry lab tables.I would move to Jacksonville before I had to watch the progress of my own replacement.

"Don't listen to her, Bells," Jake said, knocking our shoulders together.His smile was the soft one he reserved for me and sleeping children."I don't think you're boring at all."

I couldn't help my answering smile.Even though he was wrong – Edward wouldn't have left unless I had driven him away somehow – Jake's unwavering faith in me shone like a beacon in an otherwise grief-darkened world.

 

Charlie grunted when I walked in, although I knew him well enough by now to see the worried line smooth between his eyebrows."Have fun?" he asked as we ate frozen pizza side-by-side on the couch.

I made myself nod.Without Jacob's easy conversation or the dozens of small tasks in the garage to distract me, all I could think about was Edward.He would never again give me that dawning look, as though I were something fragile and impossible and cherished.He would never demand distraction from his rage, making me the brave eye to his storm.I had been tossed out of that glittering world where anything was possible, back into the human one where I was ordinary and clumsy and alone.

"Sue called after you left, said you were welcome to stay with them anytime."I could feel his sideways glance."Would you like that?Leah's about your age, right?And that way you could spend more time with Jake."

I was already shaking my head."What if Edward–" I stopped myself before I could finish, but fear still climbed me like vines.What if Edward came looking for me and I wasn't there?I knew he was jealous of Jacob and the easy camaraderie we shared; when I came back from La Push, Edward always got possessive, kissing me like a punishment instead of theachingly gentle pecks he usually left on my cheeks or forehead.If Edward came to the house and discovered that I was with Jacob, I knew he would assume the worst. 

Charlie was giving me a wary look."Bells, you can't just spend your whole life waiting around for him.You need to move on."

"Like you moved on from Mom?"Anger made me cruel."Thanks for showing me how well that works out."

He squeezed his eyes closed the way he did when he was getting a tension headache."I know I haven't always been the best role model, but that doesn't mean –"

"You're right, you haven't," I said."So excuse me if I don't take your relationship advice."

"Well, then at least take someone's!No one's telling you to put your life on hold in case he decides to come back."

"I'm not putting my life on hold," I said stiffly."I'm refusing to give up on him.There's a difference."

"I don't want to fight."He held his beer to his forehead and wouldn't look at me."I just want you to be happy, and you seem happier when you spend time down on the res.That's all I'm saying."

"I love Edward," I told him."That’s not the kind of thing you just give up on."

"I heard you the first time," Charlie said.This time he didn't sound angry, just sad.

 

"So what's everyone doing over break?" Jessica asked brightly.

"Don't remind me," Eric groaned."It's two weeks away, I'm never going to make it."

I was remembering why I never ate in the cafeteria anymore.The conversation was always the same – endless variations of gossip, weekend plans, family or homework complaints – and even though I sat with my back towards the wall, the empty table where the Cullens used to sit gnawed at me like a missing tooth. 

Jessica wrinkled her nose."Well, I'm going to LA, if anyone cares.My uncle lives down there, and he's gay so he knows, like, the cool places to go."

"Yeah, cool if you like dick," Mike muttered, which Jessica ignored so hard she looked like she might sprain something.They’d obviously opened a whole new chapter of things to fight about while I hadn’t been listening.

"How about you, Bella?"Jessica's smile was glued in place.

"Oh."I looked up from where I had been perforating the surface of my jello with a fork."Not much, probably hanging out at La Push.I'm working on a project with a friend there."

"What kind of project?" Angela asked.

"We're rebuilding a couple of old motorcycles."I shrugged, like I did that kind of stuff all the time.

“So, what, going for a joyride once makes you some kind of expert?”Jessica held up her hands at Mike’s glare.“No really, I'm curious to hear about Bella’s new career as an auto mechanic.Should be interesting.”She laughed as the rest of the table joined in.

I forced out a chuckle."Yeah, just what I've always wanted to do with my life, stay in Forks and repair pickups.Really put my education to work." Even as I said it, I pictured the contented lines of Jake's face with an engine neatly disassembled in front of him, and felt betrayal burn in my gut.


	4. Interlude II

_Dear Alice,_

_Sometimes I think Edward was right to leave.I look at myself and the things I do and I feel like the worst kind of person.Today, I made fun of Jake.Jake who's been there for me every single day.Jake, who's the only person who doesn't make me feel like an amputee.Jake, who agreed to rebuild some stupid junky bikes just because I asked him to._

_I mentioned the bikes at school and Jessica made some mean comment about my new career as an auto mechanic.I wish I'd asked what was wrong with that or said something to shut them all up.Instead I laughed and made a joke.I'm not even sure why; I t's not like I care about Jessica's opinion, or that I think there's something wrong with staying in Forks and working on cars, but then why did I say it?I keep thinking about the look on Jake's face if he'd heard me, how hurt he would be._

_Did you see what Edward saw?My mom and Charlie and Jake all look at me like I'm crazy when I ask them, but Edward saw something rotten and I'm starting to see it too.I don't even know how to start fixing myself, but I'll try for him._

_Tell him I'm trying._

_Bella_


	5. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did some major re-working of the first two chapters AGAIN, so if you've read them before you might want to give them another look! I am still working on this, just trying to make sure the foundation is solid before moving on. You are all the best <3

_I was laid out on a surgeon's table, awake but frozen in place.There were two doctors standing over me, throwing off glinting reflections from metal instruments just out of sight.They wore masks and pale blue caps so that all I could see were their eyes.I felt nothing but a gnawing emptiness that I knew meant my chest was peeled open like a fruit._

_"Wow," one of them said.Because of the masks, it was impossible to tell which one was speaking."It's worse than we thought."He tapped something inside me that made a soft, meaty sound._

_The other doctor shook his head."You know what they say about bad apples."His voice was brisk, as though the time for regret had already come and gone."Can we salvage anything?"_

_The first doctor hummed thoughtfully and reached up to unhook his mask."It's worth a try," Carisle said, and a flicker of distaste crossed his urbane features."Better get the bucket.There's a lot that’ll need to come out."_

_Out of the corner of my vision, I could see them lift something black and squirming out of me.It made a plopping noise as it fell into the bucket.I tried to plead with Carisle, unsure whether I wanted to beg him to stop or to keep going until every last ugly part of me had been removed, but I couldn't make a sound._

"Bells.Bella!"A rough hand shook me awake.

My throat was raw and my chest felt like it had been scoured.The sheets were tangled around my legs.I sat up slowly, pushing damp hair out of my face with a hand sore from being clenched.

"Jesus Christ."Charlie dropped heavily onto the edge of the bed, holding out a glass of water.His face was pinched, as though my terror were contagious."That was a bad one."

The horror left over from the dream warred with the mingled relief and guilt I felt at seeing Charlie, and I took the water, not trusting myself to speak.

"You going to go back to sleep?" he asked and I shook my head."Didn't think so.There's some pie from the diner downstairs."

Normally I would have refused but there was something wistful in his face.It wouldn't fix anything, but maybe, like the glass of water, it was the only thing Charlie knew how to offer."I could go for some pie," I said.

 

Which was how we ended up sitting in the darkened living room, both still in our pajamas, the pie on the couch between us like some favored guest.The familiar ache in my chest felt strangely muted, either worn out by by my nightmare or kept at bay somehow by the surreality of the situation.

Charlie's badge lay on the coffee table next to my foot.He must have fallen asleep on the couch earlier; he didn't usually leave it lying around."You arrest people, right?"

"Sometimes," he said around a mouthful of pie."Why?"

"The people you arrest, are they..."I nudged the badge with my toe."Are they all bad people?"

His hand twitched as though reaching for a non-existent beer."Most people aren't bad, just dumb.Some of'em are mean and dumb.Maybe there are a few pure evil folks, but I never met them."

I could feel Charlie's testing gaze and didn't know how to tell him that I might be one of them.I wasn't killing people or hurting them for fun, but I was rotten right down to the core."What about change?" I asked fast, before he asked me to explain."Even murderers can change, right?"

Charlie looked like he really wanted that beer now."I guess everyone has the chance."Each word sounded like it was being dragged out of him on a fishing line."Lot of people don't take it, though."

"But what if they did?"Desperation colored my voice."If they could change, things would be different.Things would have to be different."To my horror, I felt my eyes start to fill.

"Aw, Bells."He clutched the pie plate close, as though it could shield him from unpredictable female emotions."You can't change what happened.He’s gone.”

I nodded, still sniffling.There was nothing I could do about the past.But if I found a hobby, I could show that I had interests and passion outside of my relationship, and prove to Edward that I'd changed.With Jake and the bikes, I already had a subject and a teacher, so it was only a matter of time.If I could fix myself, the future would follow.

 

I saw Jake's head at the door when I pulled into the driveway; by the time I parked he was already outside, ready to pull me into a hug as soon as I stepped out of the truck.I closed my eyes and let myself relish the feeling of being held.My mom was always affectionate, embarrassing me when she tried to hold my hand in public or hug me in front of the high school like I was six instead of sixteen.I'd resented it at the time, but I found myself missing it now.Because of his old-fashioned upbringing, Edward had been reluctant to touch me unless in the grips of some strong emotion, and even though I knew he was trying, Charlie's awkward shoulder pats left something to be desired.

As we walked towards the garage, I felt my determination war with the grim slap of reality.Who was I kidding?Not only did I know nothing about cars and bikes, but my presence alone tended to short-circuit machinery and cause otherwise stable surfaces to pitch their contents in hazardous directions.Even if I didn't manage to kill anyone, teaching me would turn a several-week project into a months-long endeavor. 

"So what's today's soundtrack?"Jake got the toolset from the shelf and went over to his usual spot on the dolly next to the bike."I'm thinking something bluesy, maybe a little classic rock..."

"Actually," I said, and looked away so that I wouldn't have to watch rejection creep across his face.If I wanted Edward back, I needed to fix what was wrong with me, and finding a hobby seemed like the best place to start.If Jake agreed, at least I'd get to spend time with the one person who made me feel halfway normal.Otherwise, I could always ask Leah to teach me how to draw; when I was dying of stab wounds from the ensuing conversation, hobbies would be the least of my worries."I was wondering if you could teach me how to rebuild the bikes."

"Isn't that what we've been doing?"He sounded genuinely confused.

"No, you've been rebuilding them, and that's great, you're really good at it.I, on the other hand, set toasters on fire, so I totally understand if you don't –" my nervous rambling cut off as his hand closed around my fist. 

"Of course I'll teach you."He gently pried my fingers away from where the nails had started to dig into my palms."I didn't think you were interested in mechanics."

"What can I say, you've inspired me,” I joked, smile not quite fitting my face.I felt jittery and off-balance, unsure whether this was the right decision.Images of Edward’s smile kept sliding into the thunderous face of his anger.

"Bells, you know you don't have to prove anything, right?I'd be happy even if you all you did was mope and make fun of me about pizza toppings."Jake was standing very close, his hands still closed over mine.His voice was deeper than usual, and I was afraid to look up at his face to see what was written there.

The garage door slammed open, and Embry slouched in with a half-eaten twizzler hanging out of his mouth, Quil right behind him."Whoa, are we, like, interrupting something?" Embry asked.Quil snickered.

I jerked my hands out of Jake's and shifted to put some distance between us."Jake's going to teach me how to rebuild the bikes."

Quil muttered something low with innuendo and Embry bent double with laughter."Aren't you the one who dumped an entire toolkit into the engine once?" Embry asked, when he straightened.

"They say anyone can be taught," Jake said, appearing at my shoulder."I guess I have my work cut out for me."

I dug my elbow into his side."Yeah, see if you're still laughing when the student surpasses the master."He shot me a teasing grin, and it was all so familiar that I thought maybe I'd imagined that strange intensity a moment ago.


	6. Interlude III

_Dear Alice,_

_Jake's going to teach me how to rebuild the bikes!I know Edward would have preferred needlepoint or something, but Forks isn't exactly known for its domestic arts scene.When we're married, I'll knit him a lumpy sweater he'll feel obligated to wear, and he can curse the day he ever suggested it.Until then, I have to work with what I've got, which is two hunks of metal with wheels and a sixteen year-old who knows way more about engines than is healthy.Seriously, if engines were beanie babies, he’d put my nine-year old self to shame._

_The bikes are in pretty bad shape — Jake said it's a miracle that the frames are still more or less intact.The engines are rusted, most of the rubber pieces are cracked and falling apart, and one of the bikes is missing a muffler.I said that maybe the muffler wasn’t that important, since all the motorcycles I’ve ever seen have been about as quiet as a jet engine, but Jake gave me a look like I’d suggested roasting puppies over an open fire.Apparently that is not something that Automotive Hobbyists say.I’m taking notes._

_We drained everything out of the bikes that it's possible to drain, plus a few extra places where rain had gotten in.I got grease on my favorite jeans, scraped two inches of skin off my arm, and entertained Quil and Embry by screaming when we found a drowned mouse in the oil tank.Jake kept looking at me like he was making sure I was having fun, and I kept giving him this forced smile because so far I hate everything about it.At this rate, Edward will come back and I'll drain his wiper fluid in a brilliant display of automotive showmanship.I'm sure he'll be impressed._

_Maybe I should reconsider needlepoint?Please advise._

_Bella_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for reading and commenting -- they mean the world to me! Just a reminder that this is a work in progress, and so I'll probably be editing chapters after they go up, as I figure out the shape of the story to come :) Thanks for being patient and sticking with me! Many <3s


	7. Means to an End

Jake used a pair of chopsticks to fish the pin out of its acidic bath, swirl it through a bowl of water, and then lay it gently on a clean rag.We'd already been sitting there for twenty minutes, and the plastic tub was still brimming with disassembled carburetor pieces.At this rate, we'd finish the engine by the time I graduated high school. 

"Spit it out," Jake said, as he inspected the pin for any speck of rust or grease."I can hear you sighing, you know."

"It's a piece of metal, not your first-born child," I grumbled.He had insisted on demonstrating how to rebuild a carburetor before even letting me touch one.I didn't begrudge him the chance to show off a little, but it was starting to feel like he had guessed my plan to get Edward back and was deliberately taking as long as possible."Can't you just, I don't know, wipe it down?"

He shot me a puzzled look."But then it wouldn't be clean."

"Does the Rabbit look like that right now?" I gestured at the gleaming metal.

"No, but –"

"It's going to get dirty anyways, right?"

"If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well," he intoned in a reasonable impression of Billy's gruff voice.

I rolled my eyes and reached over to stir the tub with a plastic ladle that Jake had stolen from the kitchen."If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing in this century.I don't have –" I stopped as the truth of what I'd been about to say hit me like a bullet.Edward had forever.If my plan to win him back didn't work, I had decidedly less than that.

"Relax, Bella."Jake knocked his shoulder against mine, making the toxic water in the tub slosh dangerously against the sides."We'll have these hunks of junk running in no time." 

I leaned forward and gave the tub a vigorous stir, clanking the metal pieces together and unearthing a cloud of sludge that bloomed upwards into the water."It would be way faster if we just cleaned all the pieces at once." 

Jacob gave the tub a dubious poke with his chopsticks.

"It's been two weeks and I've unscrewed a grand total of four screws.Leah doesn't even believe me when I tell her I’m helping you rebuild the bikes."

"This is how my dad taught me to do it," Jake said, but stood and motioned for me to pick up the other end of the tub."You and Leah actually talk?"

"I wouldn't go that far."The tub was full and heavy, forcing me to shuffle awkwardly sideways to avoid spilling it."Usually she just rolls her eyes at me.I think we had our longest conversation the other day when she told me how sorry she was about my first-world problems."

Jake snorted and together we emptied the tub into the utility sink at the far end of the garage, before setting it down to refill. 

"When you asked me about the bikes," he started and then stopped, bending down to rummage through the bottles under the sink.His face was hidden behind his hair. "I didn't think you were actually serious.I figured you'd get bored after a couple of days."Water pounded into the tub, almost obscuring what he said next."I'm glad I was wrong."

"I am serious," I told him.I looked down at the top of his head and saw Edward there instead: the familiar bristle of his hair, his porcelain skin, the predatory shift of his muscles.Longing plucked my body like a violin, making me take a step forwards.

Jake glanced up and the image of Edward vanished.His face was almost as familiar to me as Edward's, although I had never seen him wear this expression before, naked as a bare-knuckled punch.

I looked away and moved to fuss with the taps, throat tight with grief."If I order us a pizza, do you think you can put the carburetor together tonight?"By the time I glanced over again, all of that earlier intensity had been smoothed into more familiar lines.

"Better get a couple of cokes, too," he said, with obvious anticipation."It's going to be a late night."

I found myself smiling at his enthusiasm, and marveled at the way he always seemed to pull responses out of me that I didn't even know I was capable of.Not the way Jasper did it, by laying a blanket over my mood, but by somehow bypassing the hole in my chest and tapping into something deeper.

"Boys," I said, as I picked up the phone, injecting as much fond scorn into my voice as possible."You'll do anything for free pizza."

 

Predictably, Charlie was more than happy to let me spend the night at the Clearwater's.It was clear that he hoped substituting Jake and Leah for Edward and Alice would somehow make everything go back to normal.I didn't have the heart to tell him this was just the means to an end.

In what passed for her normal greeting, Leah glanced up when I knocked on the half-open door and then went back to scowling at the sketch pad propped against her knees. 

"Your mom wanted me to tell you that there's dinner in the fridge, if you want it," I said. 

"Not hungry," she returned, flat as a pre-recorded voicemail.She looked tired and angrier than usual.The few times I'd seen her draw, her face had eased, as though she were listening to a symphony play just for her.Tonight, she looked seconds away from ripping the paper out and setting it on fire.

I hesitated a moment before taking the cookie out my pocket."She wanted me to give you this, too,” I lied and held it out.Sue had insisted that I try one, but when I asked if I should bring Leah any cookies, her exact words had been something like _If Miss High-and-Mighty wants dessert, she can use the legs God gave her and come get it herself._

Leah's eyes flicked up, away, and then back again, surprise melting into suspicion."She always keeps dessert as blackmail."

"Not this time, I guess."I waved the cookie in her direction, wafting the smell of butter across the room."They're really good."

"I know what they taste like," she snapped and snatched the cookie out of my grip.She ate it in three savage bites before glancing at her hand as though surprised to find it gone.

I turned to hide my smile.After three rounds of soaking and rinsing, Jake had pronounced the carburetor parts clean enough, and spent the next hour and a half providing a running commentary on the exact name and function of each seemingly-identical piece that he screwed together.I nodded and occasionally repeated the last thing he said to prove that I was listening.It seemed a little silly, like explaining the history and emotional state of each lego part as you assembled it, but I figured I owed him some neuroses.The important thing was that I had been pronounced ready to start work on the other bike, which put me one step closer to winning Edward back.

"Don't you have a real home to stay at?” Leah asked, watching me unfold the cot from its place against the wall.

I waited for the detonation of guilt that usually resulted from sarcasm or raised voices, but something about her earlier look of quickly-hidden pleasure mitigated this to produce only an echo of eye-rolling fondness."I was helping Jake finish the carburetor, and Charlie doesn't like me driving back to Forks when it's this late."

Her sneer lacked its usual rancor.“I didn't know making out was an important part of carburetor repair.”

“It’s not like that," I said, too distracted even to blush.My mind was already racing into the future.Once I showed Edward how much I'd changed, the school year would be halfway over.We couldn't stay in Forks for much longer before people started noticing that the Cullen's didn't seem to age, which meant finding a new town with a hospital for Carlisle, a place where Edward could continue his studies, and maximum year-round cloud cover."Can I borrow your laptop?"

Her frown deepened."Why?"

"College applications."I glanced up after her silence had stretched into one of deep skepticism."What?"

"A month ago you were failing your classes, and now you're applying to colleges?”She spoke with patronizing slowness.

“It’s not like I’m going to Harvard," I said, feeling irritation prick the surface of my good mood."Besides, how do you even know that?"

The corner of her mouth lifted.”Tell your dad not to talk so loud when he calls." 

I bit down on the angry words crowding my mouth: that it was rude to listen to other people's conversations, that out of anyone she should understand wanting to leave Forks, that just because her boyfriend didn't want her back didn't mean the same was true for me.If Jake's easy friendship could make Edward's absence feel wounding instead of near-fatal, Leah had the ability to rile me up so quickly that, for a moment, I forgot I wasn't whole.

Once I rebuilt the bike, I reminded myself, things would be different.But for right now, I still had to sleep here tonight."So can I use your laptop or not?"

She leaned forward to grab the laptop off her desk and toss it onto my pillow.There was a vitality in her face that hadn't been there before, as though she were fueled as much by my reactions as any food."If you look at any of my shit —"

"You'll put me through the wood chipper, I know."I rolled my eyes and started researching Alaskan universities.

There was quiet for ten or fifteen minutes, long enough for me to forget my irritation as I tried to imagine myself in each of the university photos: bent over a notebook in class, curled up in the library with a textbook, leaning over the top bunk to laugh with my roommate. In each of these images, I pictured Edward there beside, looking at me like I was a gift he'd been denied for a hundred years. 

"So what do you want to major in?" Leah asked.

I glanced up, distracted by visions of dining halls and winding campus paths and Edward close enough to touch."Huh?"

"Majors? You know, the thing you go to college for?"

"I know what a major is."I looked back down at the laptop, only now noticing the link to academic departments.I scrolled past Americana Studies and Astronomy, waiting for an emotional reaction that never came.When I tried to cast my mind back over the last year, the only thing I could think of was Edward: his face bent over a microscope, or quoting Romeo and Juliet from memory."Maybe English," I said.

Leah didn't even justify that with a response, just raised her eyebrows and kept sketching.In retaliation, I googled "Sam Uley Quileute wedding" and clicked on the first link, which showed a vaguely familiar man and a woman with Leah's stubborn chin facing each other across a beach.I thought about leaving it there for Leah to find, before a wash of shame hit me and I closed the browser.


End file.
